Osani’s blog

Personality test

Apr 28, 2008
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My Personality


Neuroticism	87
Extraversion	15
Openness to Experience	77
Agreeableness	74
Conscientiousness	14

You often resist any cravings or urges that you have, but sometimes you give in, however you experience panic, confusion, and helplessness when under pressure or stress. People generally perceive you as distant and reserved, and you do not usually reach out to others. You prefer facts over fantasy and are more interested in what is happening in the real word. You do not like to claim that you are better than other people, and generally shy from talking yourself up, however you generally see others as selfish, devious, and sometimes potentially dangerous. You have a strong sense of duty and obligation, and feel a moral obligation to do the right thing.

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How much can I take?

Apr 24, 2008

Every little inconsiderate thing he does and I cry a little harder. I realize he is wounded and having difficulty mending his wounds, but those wounds are not my fault; they are our fault and I wanted to work them out together. I am doing everything I can to accommodate his every whim. Things I know will hurt him, I don't do. I care about his feelings and don't want to hurt him. I fell in love with him because he was kind and compassionate. He was loving and cared about my feelings and who I am as a person. Now all I am seeing is someone who is hurt and resentful and no longer cares about me or how certain things might make me feel.

If he truly wanted to work things out with me, he would avoid doing things that I have expressed cause me pain. Maybe once things are more stable, we could discuss the issue, but right now in an effort to work things out, it seems he wouldn't be so out right hurtful every chance he gets.

There once was a time when he wanted me to be happy and was willing to do whatever it took to make me happy, but now he is only angry. If I express that I am upset about something or if I am not acting the way he feels I should he gets mad and I feel guilty. I end up feeling guilty when I know damn well, I am not at fault and should not be made to feel bad. I am not perfect and I never will be, but I am trying to be as close to perfect as I can for him. There are things about me that I don't mind fixing and might ultimately make me a better person. I want to be a better person for him. He is not perfect either, but has done nothing to show he is trying to work on his issues or make things better between us.

One week he is fucking me, the next he can't touch me. He doesn't want to make to many plans, but doesn't want me to make other plans either. He no longer wants to email, but can only call me in the middle of the night. It's fine if I stay in his bed while he falls asleep, but he has more important things to do then fall asleep with me in mine.

Why is he so angry with me? How did this happen? What did I do?

All I ever asked of him was to be open and honest. All he had to say was, "Hey it's Anna's birthday, so I sent her an email." And to that he'd say, "We're broken up!" which to him means he no longer has to respect my feelings or care when things he does hurt me. 3 separate emails with back and forth replays were not all on her birthday. But the emails aren't even what is so bothersome; it's that he hides things from me. Then when I express my feelings about it, he gets mad. Like it is my fault. Everything is my fault. His best friend conveniently buys 3 tickets to a show because he just happened to buy them before we started talking. Bullshit and did he even try to see if he could get another ticket? No, of course not.

All I ask is that he shows me that he wants to work this out because I am not seeing it or feeling it. If he is trying to drive me away, it is working. I wish I had the strength to walk away from this. I don't deserve to be treated this way. Nothing I have ever done to him entitles me this treatment.

Daily mood post

Apr 9, 2008

mood: 4

Feeling better today. I didn't take nefazodone last night and I feel better already. It could be placebo, but whatever. I also started taking 200 mg of sam-e and 5 mg of DHEA. My head and throat hurts and I've had an upset stomach, but no dizziness. Still pretty tired though.

Daily mood post

Apr 7, 2008

mood: 2

Almost fell down the stairs because I was so dizzy this morning. My head and my eyes are very heavy. Generally feeling pretty miserable about everything in my life right now.